if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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