I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
