Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Mom said you looked used
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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