i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
