Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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