so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize