Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
