would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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