You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
