I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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