Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
