WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
