apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
