1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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