I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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