She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
