why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
