I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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