i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
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