I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
