after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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