i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
