um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
