I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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