I'm laying in your front yard are you home
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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