you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
