what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
