Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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