I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
