Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I think my vagina is haunted
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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