He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
