the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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