As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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