In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
