The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
