the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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