I want to stick my p in your. b.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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