my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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