It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
