That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
