Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
