He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
