My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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