Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
