We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize