When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
