you didnt know i had herpes?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
