I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
