I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
