Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
