The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
