These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
