just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm like, not good at living.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
