from now on my penis is your penis
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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