I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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