Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
