i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dick very happy bro
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
