tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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