Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
