Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
